Upon this Earth, mankind is hard pressed to find a disappointment greater than dining at Chipotle. There is no greater woe than watching their employees scoop five pieces of chicken onto your burrito, there is no less authentic a restaurant than this corporately conniving self-proclaimed “Mexican” cuisine and there is no greater regret than wishing you had driven five minutes further to the clearly superior alternative: Cabo Bob’s.

Many factors must be considered when comparing two restaurants, but the foremost determinant is always food quality. Although notably healthier than most American fast food chains, Chipotle’s food is still processed, nationally sourced and usually frozen. By contrast, the fact that Cabo Bob’s locations are limited to Texas allows for exclusively local sourcing and never-frozen food. Additionally, Chipotle chips are often stale, disastrously over-salted and markedly inconsistent in both texture and taste; whereas chips from Cabo Bob’s are both less calories (because they’re made with masa harina rather than corn flour) and more consistent. 

Moreover, Cabo Bob’s has nearly twice as many ingredients available to top a bowl or fill a burrito, as well as an extensive selection of finishing sauces than Chipotle plainly does not possess. And lest we forget the most important of all these ingredients, the tortilla, of which Cabo Bob’s eclipses Chipotle in every manner. Firstly, Cabo Bob’s has four different flavors of flour tortillas, which is precisely four times more than Chipotle’s vast selection of one flavor of flour tortilla. Secondly, at Cabo Bob’s you get the pleasure of seeing a small ball of tortilla dough hand-pressed into a colossal tortilla before your own eyes, which is then immediately succeeded by a stunning visual spectacle wherein a valiant employee braves the danger of touching a 400 degree open face tortilla cooker to flip your beloved tortilla. This myriad of flavors paired with this thrilling extravaganza makes it clear that Cabo Bob’s tortillas are superior to Chipotle’s.

Although ultimately subjective, it is my opinion, and the opinion of three-fourths of the Featherduster staff, that Cabo Bob’s food tastes fresher, more authentic and simply better than Chipotle’s. 

The next factor to be analyzed is the price of eating at each respective restaurant; which, in short, is very similar. A chicken burrito from Chipotle costs $9.15, whereas the same from Cabo Bob’s would run you $9.49. Despite Chipotle’s lower base cost, they charge more for chips and guac, drinks and double meat. It seems fair to call the pricing between the two a tie.

When assessing the atmospheres of the two restaurants, even the most staunch Chipotle enthusiasts find themselves compelled to concede this battleground to Cabo Bob’s. The lifeless look of Chipotle’s gray and beige interior pales in comparison to the colorful, happiness-inducing and beach-like ambiance of Cabo Bob’s. 

But the real kicker is Cabo Bob’s superior kids meal. Although morally ambiguous for high school students, the value provided by the Cabo Bob’s kids’ meal is simply too good for most students to pass up. For a mere $5.99 one can purchase a slightly smaller, but still respectable burrito, chips and queso and a drink. Simply phenomenal. Chipotle also has a kids’ meal but they don’t have a burrito option, only tacos or quesadillas. 

Most disappointing. 

Despite all of the aforementioned evidence, a skilled devil’s advocate might still be able to defend Chipotle. But we have not yet taken into account their respective rewards programs, wherein Cabo Bob’s blows Chipotle out of the water. Chipotle has an app and a points system akin to that of Chick-fil-A, but the generosity of their rewards are nothing alike. 

Chipotle gives you 10 points per pre-tax dollar spent, and it takes 1625 points to redeem a free entree. Yes. That means you must spend $162.50 pre-tax at Chipotle in order to receive one paltry burrito, which is the most egregious display of corporate greed I have ever seen. By stark contrast, Cabo Bob’s gives its customers physical punch cards that are remarkably aesthetic. They get punched once per burrito bought, and once they’ve received six punches the cards are redeemable for $15 off your order or a free Cabo Bob’s t-shirt. This means that Cabo Bob’s loyalists get a greater reward more than twice as often. That rocks.

It’s with all this in mind that I’ve determined that Cabo Bob’s is unequivocally better than Chipotle.