It’s several days into December, and your mom still hasn’t gone to the grocery store due to the remaining piles of food in your fridge leftover from Thanksgiving. The turkey stares you down as you eat yet another slice of pie, and you watch in horror as your food baby grows. You aren’t stuffing the turkey any more — you’re stuffing yourself. The mountain of potatoes lies untouched after aunt’s spiel about how bad starches are for you. There is an avalanche of spuds from the fridge and your family members run for their lives, trying not to be swamped by the side dish.

You are the turkey. Your tears have become gravy, and you swear that everything smells like pumpkin pie. You regret begging your mother to make large amounts of creamed corn but still stuff your face, dreaming of eating something other than leftovers tomorrow. In your next life, you will probably be a dish of cranberry sauce. By the end of December, the death toll from Thanksgiving leftovers will have racked up to a record high. Turkeys are sacrificed to the Thanksgiving gods so that the seasonal flood of apple cider will bring fertile soil for the sweet potato crops next year.

There is a way out of this horrid fate. Next Thanksgiving you can show how thankful you are for your friends and family instead of only focusing on the food. Don’t let this American tradition become an excuse to stuff your face.