Dandy dad-dating simulator deserves dangerous amounts of love

Have you ever faced a conflict in your life and thought to yourself: “Huh, I wonder what a responsible father figure would have to say about this?” Or maybe: “I could really use a dope daddy tip right about now.” Or maybe you’ve faced a conflict and not pondered how a male authority figure would react in the same situation. In this case, you most likely have daddy issues. All in all, if any of these apply to you, then stay tuned because I have an excellent solution that will supply your father-figure needs at any and all times.

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator has become my new “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” in other words — my new guilty pleasure. I play it in my room, on the bus, in the pool, at my younger sister’s eighth grade graduation … you get the picture. However, I do not feel guilty for playing it. In fact, I think more people should be playing Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator in public. This is just another example of how much more progress America still has to go towards being evolved and forward thinking. Anytime you see someone in public, and they’re not playing Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator, they’re essentially flipping off all of America and equality in general.

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator is the perfect combination of a storyline woven into video game form. The story goes, you are a dream daddy and you’ve just moved into a new neighborhood. But, here’s the kicker: the neighborhood is full of other single dream daddies that you can date! Every time you go to a new location in your new town, you get to meet a new daddy! Hmm I’m in the mood for a coffee, maybe I should go to the coffee shop … Bam! Hipster dream daddy owns the coffee shop. Or maybe you want to take your dog for a walk. Guess who’s there? That’s right, Ginger daddy WITH his ginger-daddy daughter.

Your first responsibility as a new daddy on the up-and-coming in the daddy dating scene is to make your own daddy! Of course you could make your daddy look like you, which I suggest if you look like a good daddy, but I happen to not have a perfectly sculptured dad bod and I was not about to settle for a father-a-fied version of myself. So I made Sylvester Stallone. Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator also caters to many different dad aesthetics including a Goku hairstyle, button ups with a cat pattern and even heart eyes.

This game is a plethora of fine, fit and fabulous father figures. You get a choice of seven different daddies … that’s like six daddies more than one can expect. Such a steal. Also worth noting, the game costs $14.99 on Steam. If you do the math, which you don’t have to do because I’ve already done it for you, that’s only $2 per daddy. Don’t let the quantity of daddies fool you — they are all still very much quality.

Brian Harding, otherwise known as “rival dad” or my personal favorite nickname “ginger dad,” is the big daddy in the town. Picture a thicc lumberjack with a belly for days. He’s definitely not the little spoon, I’ll tell you that. Ginger dad takes pride in his daughter to another level, a level that ends in a Pokémon-style battle where you and he try to outdo each other with your daughter’s accomplishments. I think it’s safe to say he’s nobody’s favorite daddy.

Damian Bloodmarch is the next daddy in line. Hmm, what else is there to say about this “goth daddy” besides the fact that he’s debatably a vampire? Let’s see … he frequents Hot Topic, wears a particularly chilling shade of purple as nail polish and uses blood as a mixer.

In contrast to creepy Damian, Mat Stella is the “chill dad.” He’s nailed the hipster look with a sleeve of tats, thin-rimmed glasses and some dreads. To even further the effect, he owns a coffee shop. And to top it off, he names his pastries after classic rock puns. I mean come on, how much more dad can you be? Not much more that’s for sure.

Next, coming in hot, mostly because he’s actually jogging up, is Craig Cahn the “fit daddy.” he’s often seen working out around town with his toddler secured to his chest in a baby carrier. You and Craig actually go way back. Way back to your shared college dorm room. Yep, that’s right, Craig was one of your bros from back in the day. It’s a small world after all.

The next daddy I’m a little scared to even mention. Robert Small is no good daddy … in fact he’s actually “bad daddy.” He is dark and mysterious and I can’t say anything else for fear that he will use his cold stare to see right through me.

And in this corner we have “cool youth minister dad.” His real name: Joseph Christiansen. Shocker. This rich daddy likes to flaunt his wealth via the baby blue sweater he wears around his neck. He’s also rocks his pink “I’m very comfortable with my masculinity” polo. Only setback to this daddy: His children are wack. There’s something about their dead eyes that suggests maybe their daddy is not such a dream daddy. Also, he has a wife.

Last but not least is Hugo Vega, or “teacher daddy.” This daddy dresses suave — I’m talking trousers, vest, blazer, reading glasses and a bowtie to top it all off. You definitely have an “in” with this daddy because he’s your daughter’s teacher. Lucky you. Now all you have to do is convince your daughter to fail a few tests so he’ll call you into his office. If she’s a true wingman, she’ll understand.

This game is too much of a gem, a novelty, a saving grace, to pass it up. The story line: ingenious. The graphics: revolutionary. The jokes: dad. The message: relevant. I’m not a daddy. I probably will never be a daddy. But I can be a daddy in Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator.

What follows is all the daddy tips that Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator has to offer. It’s really worth the read.

  • #1 – Don’t forget to floss every day.
  • #2 – It’s never too early to invest in a personal IRA.
  • #3 – Start building credit as soon as possible.
  • #4 – Stand up for yourself – don’t let anyone disrespect you.
  • #5 – Everyone needs to know how to use power tools.
  • #6 – Don’t trust anyone who likes their meat well done.
  • #7 – LaserDisc is clearly the superior video format.
  • #8 – Drink a full glass of water in the morning to help wake up.
  • #9 – Don’t use metal utensils on nonstick frying pans.
  • #10 – If you’re parking uphill, be sure to turn your tires towards the street.
  • #11 – It’s rude to ask people about their mysterious hand tattoos.
  • #12 – Moving pictures is hands down the best Rush album.
  • #13 – Buy quality, not quantity.
  • #14 – Shave with the grain.
  • #15 – You always have time for a beer with your buds.
  • #16 – Always use a coat of wax after a wash.
  • #17 – Nothing can beat reading in print.
  • #18 – Always carry a pocket knife.
  • #19 – Use your hips when throwing.
  • #20 – Keep your word.
  • #21 – Eat a lot of broccoli.
  • #22 – Drinking too much water can cause water intoxication.
  • #23 – Take care of your health while you’re still young.
  • #24 – Always help a friend in need.
  • #25 – Drink plenty of water.
  • #26 – Exercise regularly and you’ll stay healthy!
  • #27 – Don’t eat too close to your bedtime.
  • #28 – Always check the card reader at ATMs before you swipe.
  • #29 – Medicine is not always the best medicine.
  • #30 – Always bring a war chest.
  • #31 – You’re young, you have your health, now is the time to take risks.
  • #32 – You can’t beat the whammy bar.
  • #33 – The solo from Kid Charlemagne is the greatest guitar solo ever recorded.
  • #34 – Peter Weller actually has a PHD in history.
  • #35 – It’s called masking tape for a reason.
  • #36 – Trust no one.
  • #37 – If you press the ignition too long you’ll just flood the engine.
  • #38 – The extended cut is the only cut worth watching.
  • #39 – They really stepped up the production value in Episode V.
  • #40 – Managing debt is just part of being an adult.
  • #41 – Run through the finish line.
  • #42 – What you do, when you don’t have to, will determine where you’ll be when you can’t help it.
  • #43 – When lifting weights, use proper form and a full range of motion.
  • #44 – Gas is cheaper in the suburbs.
  • #45 – Do what you love and the money will come.
  • #46 – Do it once, do it right.
  • #47 – Don’t skip the corners.
  • #48 – Eat plenty of carbs the night before a big game.
  • #49 – If the police are driving behind you, don’t give them probable cause to pull you over.
  • #50 – Try to drive in a way where you never have to use your brakes.
  • #51 – You can save bookmarks directly to your desktop.
  • #52 – A bird in the hand is better than a bird in the eye.
  • #53 – Pet every dog.
  • #54 – Have you ever read Rich Dad Poor Dad?
  • #55 – Liquor before beef, you’re in the clear.
  • #56 – Go ask your mother.
  • #57 – If life gives you lemons, parsley, onions, and eggs… make a really nice omelet.
  • #58 – Practice makes permanent.
  • #59 – First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairiest chest.
  • #60 – Never give up, never remember.
  • #61 – That quirky lab assistant from NCIS just reminds me of you.
  • #62 – Whistle while you work.
  • #63 – Please remember to call us once in a while.
  • #64 – Get whatever job you want, just make sure it has health insurance.
  • #65 – Grow your own vegetables. It’s cheaper, I think.
  • #66 – It’s okay if you don’t come in first, just make sure you have health insurance.
  • #67 – Try to exercise regularly.
  • #68 – Sleep is important! Make sure you’re getting enough.
  • #69 – It’s okay to cry if you’re feeling sad.
  • #70 – Make sure to sweep under your tent so you don’t sleep on rocks.
  • #71 – Good tire pressure is essential to optimal mileage.
  • #72 – The only acceptable time and place for decaf coffee is never and in the trash.
  • #73 – When changing a tire, make sure to tighten the bolts in a starfish pattern.
  • #74 – Anyone who tells you that a drink isn’t manly has never known heartache.
  • #75 – Call someone if you’re thinking about them. They probably want to hear from you.
  • #76 – If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
  • #77 – Don’t smoke.
  • #78 – Try not to make assumptions about people.
  • #79 – Don’t trust gas station egg sandwiches.
  • #80 – Please don’t pirate games.
  • #81 – It’s better to be early than late.
  • #82 – Eat a balance meal every day that includes vegetable, fruit, and protein.
  • #83 – Minimize eating fried foods, candy, and sweets.
  • #84 – Treat people better than they treat you.
  • #85 – Be generous and kind to everyone.
  • #86 – Always try your best at everything.
  • #87 – Spend less money than you make.
  • #88 – Pay your bills early.
  • #89 – Look at situations positively.
  • #90 – Always try to make others around you happy.
  • #91 – Smile as often as you can, it will make others around you feel more comfortable.
  • #92 – You’re never too busy or important to be kind to others.