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Eight reasons why, against my will, I have developed a raging crush on Guy Fieri

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Eight reasons why, against my will, I have developed a raging crush on Guy Fieri

Michelle Fairorth

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Love is not something that you find; it’s something that finds you. I can’t help that I’ve fallen for his devilishly good looks and scathing wit. I just have. We all know that Guy Fieri is a culinary genius, but did you know he is also a prolific sex icon? If you didn’t, don’t worry about it. His alluring beauty is often overlooked by even the most loyal of fans.

So, who exactly is the man behind the bleached hair and pierced ears? Well for one thing, Guy Fieri is a pioneer. Say what you want about him, but Fieri without a doubt deserves credit for being the first real role model for men on the Food Network; a sort of Biblical messiah for dudes who love to mince, stir and saute. This would be great if Fieri wasn’t so overtly virile. The kinds of men he attracts to culinary TV are not clean-cut gentlemen interested in whipping up a plate of fettuccine Alfredo for date night. These are rowdy, motorcycle-driving, engine-revving, middle aged freaks with mustaches long enough to french braid, and three wives living in Nebraska. Guy Fieri is a menace; he is not an appropriate target of infatuation for anyone.

However, regardless of his admittedly rugged exterior, after reading this list most of you will inevitably find yourself falling head over heels for Guy’s sensitive soul and warm heart. Why, to my unwavering disgust, have I become a helpless slave to mother nature’s magnetism? Why have I fallen for Guy Fieri? These are the 8 reasons:

1. He cooks: We all know that women go bananas over a dude who can cook, and Guy Fieri is, like, the bestest chef of all time. If you love sloppy joes and “Kickin’ Quesadillas” then Guy Fieri’s delicious dishes will capture both your heart and stomach.

2. He’s fashionable: Fieri is what one could presumptuously call a “style icon,” what with his flame-print button down shirts, oversized gold chain-link necklaces from Forever21 and Oakley sunglasses, often worn around the back of his head (presumably to shield the nape of his neck from harmful UV rays). Not to mention that full head of hair he bleaches religiously (though refrains from bleaching his goatee to match). It is unclear whether this aesthetic is a bold act of defiance, or if he simply hasn’t noticed that styles have changed since the ‘90s. Regardless of his intention, the result is obvious: he’s deliberately channeling the robust vibe of the Hard Rock Cafe, and ultimately succeeding.

3. He’s a barrel of laughs: Guy Fieri has a great sense of humor. If you consider poop jokes and fart noises to be humorous, that is.

4. He’s an Alpha Male: Guy Fieri is the manliest man of all the men. If you’re looking for an alpha male, look no further. This man is no beta wolf; he’s the real deal.

5. He has a sensitive side: There is no proof of this; it is just something I fervently believe. I have to, in order to stay sane.

6. He’s famous: let’s not forget that Guy Fieri is an international television star. He won The Next Food Network Star in 2006, and since his stardom has only gone uphill. Fieri also hangs with other celebs like Hedge fund billionaire Steve Cohen, who originally forked over $100,000 to hang with Guy for a day, leading to their eventual friendship.

7. He’s edgy: Girls love a man who ain’t afraid to be bold. Fact: Guy Fieri is edgy. Women love biker dudes with brass knuckle rings. That’s another fact.

8. He’s a writer: Women also love writers, and Guy has written more than two books. The cover of his latest novel, Guy Fieri Food: Cookin’ It, Livin’ It, Lovin’ It features Fieri playfully tossing what appears to be a fistful of cheese balls towards the reader in a would-be 3D fashion. It is so artistic I could cry. Some might even consider it “sexy.” I know I do.Guy Fieri

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4 Comments

4 Responses to “Eight reasons why, against my will, I have developed a raging crush on Guy Fieri”

  1. Guy Fieri on April 26th, 2015 10:25 pm

    Shut the front door, son of Tatum O’Neal, that’s dynamite.

  2. King Salmonella on September 10th, 2015 10:27 am

    Same.

  3. bobby flay on November 16th, 2015 11:53 am

    good read.

  4. Kit Harris on November 18th, 2015 1:42 pm

    Nice

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Eight reasons why, against my will, I have developed a raging crush on Guy Fieri