Student finishes epic trilogy with “Worst Sidekicks”

Jack Wallace

We’ve gone through both the worst superheroes and the worst supervillains. However, it would be a crime to overlook our heroes’ “best” pals: the worst sidekicks known to man.

Doiby Dickles

The name says it all. Doiby Dickles is by far the most pitiful sidekick I think I have ever encountered. Doiby made his fantastic debut at the side of the Green Lantern (who has the ability to create virtually anything his mind can come up with due to his magic ring). Doiby Dickles, on the other hand, is a taxi driver with a Brooklyn accent and a bowler hat. He was eventually swept into the trash later on by DC, realizing that maybe Doiby just wasn’t the best sidekick to an omnipotent god.

Alpha

Sidekicks don’t really get worse than Alpha. Partnered with Spider-Man, Alpha has served as a constant source of pain for the wall-crawling superhero. More concerned with fame than actually helping people (the one requirement for superheroes), Alpha always manages to cause more destruction than intended. He single-handedly crippled the lovable Aunt May for crying out loud. Thankfully, Spider-Man snatched his powers away almost immediately after. Did I mention he talks like a prepubescent teen? Yeah. Alpha wholeheartedly deserves his place as one of the worst sidekicks ever.

Jimmy Olsen

“Superman! Save Me!” Ugh. Just shut up Jimmy. Shut your stupid mouth. Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen (our classic “sidekick” to Superman) consistently manages to find himself in colossal peril every two to three weeks, so often that he has a specially-made distress beacon to call on our Kryptonian hero to save his bacon. Jimmy offers nothing at all to Superman. He has no powers. He’s not particularly smart. He’s just an average, sad-sack of a louse. Jimmy Olsen is the living embodiment of a detriment. Do yourself a big favor, Supes, and leave this nerd behind.

Uncle Marvel

Uncle Marvel is literally just an old man who conned his way into the iconic Marvel Family. He has no superpowers whatsoever, instead acting as mere pretender of a superhero to cash in on the Family’s rise to popularity. This miserable excuse for a comic relief is only tolerated by the rest of the Marvel Family because he’s supposedly “good natured.” When it comes down to it though, being “good natured” doesn’t cut it when you are the saddest pile of excrement to ever reach comic stands.

Snapper Carr

Snapper Carr is, as gently as I can put it, nothing but a burnt-out rich kid who had the funds to host the headquarters for the Justice League of America. Besides basking in his daddy’s money and serving as the team’s unofficial mascot, he’s useless to the super crew. In fact, he’s a downright menace. Snapper is almost always at the heart of trouble, consistently getting the team into danger after danger because Snapper doesn’t know how common sense works. Unfortunately for the Justice League (but good for us), Snapper’s simple mind was duped into revealing the location of the headquarters, and subsequently resigned into obscurity.