Jupiter Ascending — perfect movie for ironic Spring Break

While watching Jupiter Ascending, I received some of the best news of my life — I am space royalty. Sean Bean, who plays Stinger Apini, explained that bees are genetically engineered to detect and avoid stinging royalty. Jupiter Ascending is full of strange and unintentionally hilarious tidbits like this, which, in addition to the overacted performances, make it one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Mila Kunis, who plays Jupiter Jones (yes, that’s her real name), learns from Apini that, like me, she is space royalty. Man-wolf hybrid and eventual love interest, Caine (Channing Tatum), who is hired by a member of the space royal family to track her down, had taken her to Apini on their journey. When his inevitably dark past is revealed, we learn that Caine has attacked the space royalty. To say the plot is convoluted would be a huge understatement because I did not understand half of it. The basic premise is that Jones must save the earth from aliens who plan to attack Earth while she travels with Caine.

The funniest performance in this movie, though, is clearly Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne, who plays Balem Abrasax. His wardrobe alone is impeccable, particularly the shirt that was only sleeves and gave the audience a wonderful view of his abs as he lounged on a bench. As he leaned back, he breathed nearly every line, except for the ones which he screamed to all around him. If his lips weren’t funny-looking enough already, the wheezing adds to the hilarity. Plus, if that wasn’t strange enough, Kunis looks just like Abrasax’s mother, and he and his siblings all want to either kill her or seduce her, in true Oedipus fashion.

The saving grace of Jupiter Ascending is its design. When the camera would pull out to look through space or at a planet, it took my breath away. While it didn’t match the gorgeousness of something like Interstellar, for the cheesy space movie that it is, Jupiter Ascending was beautiful. It wasn’t just the space that was pretty — the interior and costume design (excluding Abrasax’s clothes) worked as well. Everything seemed futuristic and silly, but it worked for the ridiculously over-the-top science fiction feel of the movie.

This movie is clearly an ironic watch. Even though I appreciate the adolescent feel of the plot and the design helps its case, Jupiter Ascending is a terrible movie. The acting is terrible; the plot is confusing and it’s overall ridiculous. Go see it as soon as you can.