Student oppressed by ColloegeBoard, demands end to tyranny

As a general rule, asking the question “What would Teddy Roosevelt do in my situation?” leads to good decision-making. For example, imagine being faced with the dilemma of whether or not to preserve a national park’s integrity — what would Teddy do? Or maybe you’re split on the issue of whether you should divide your party’s votes in a presidential election, allowing the election of Woodrow Wilson; time to ask yourself what Teddy would do. What about when you get shot mid-speech and you are wondering whether you should finish or get yourself to a hospital? You guessed it, WWTRD. I’m going to jump to my main point here and say that Teddy Roosevelt would hate CollegeBoard. He would find out about that terrible, abusive company and bust it open like the hero he is.

CollegeBoard is what’s wrong with America. They have complete control over high school and college testing, and they can charge whatever they want because of it. SAT? Sure, pretty much everyone in the country has to take it to get to college, but you’re gonna pay $90 for it. Okay, fine. Tests cost some money. Oh no, you were sick on test day? Sucks for you! That’s another $30! Don’t have computer access and want to register by phone? Get out your wallet buddy, because we’re going to charge just for calling instead of clicking. You know why? Because it’s CollegeBoard, and CollegeBoard wants you to give them  money, and you’re going to hand it to them with a smile or they’ll destroy your hopes and dreams for the future.

What’s that you say? Just go to another company? After all, this country was built on capitalism — surely there’s no way such a business model can survive very long. Well buckle your seat belts, boys and girls, because I have a news flash for you: there is no one else. CollegeBoard is it. They’re in with every university and engrained in every high school. It’s a total monopoly and it sucks. The only other viable option is ACT, but that company’s fees are just as bad (if not worse) than CollegeBoard, so it’s not really a win. I have no idea why these companies haven’t been broken up yet, and I’m too busy studying for CollegeBoard’s stupid standardized AP tests to research it.

To top it all off, they subscribed me to every email list in the galaxy and now I can’t even open my inbox without getting stressed. No one, and I mean no one, deserves inbox abuse. CollegeBoard, you can play dumb all you want, but you know why we’re angry. You know why we’re going to be angry a generation from now when our kids have to jump through these same idiotic hoops for your sadistic pleasure. You know why we’re going to be angry a century from now when you’ve risen and eclipsed the governments of the earth and rule us as malevolent overlords wielding out-of-date tests and merciless good-citizen fees to keep us in line. I’m on to you, you sneaky CollegeBoard jerks. I’ll rise up and gather an army one day and destroy you. You can take our money, but you’ll never take our freedom.