A playful defense of Neptune – why it’s simply the best planet


Credits to NASA/JPL, taken by Voyager 2

(The following is meant to entertain, not strictly inform. Enjoy!)

Yes, we’ve all heard it before; some planets are simply better than others. Forget about Earth…it’s named after dirt! What about that gas giant far over there, with so many rings Beyonce would be jealous? Or how about Mars, Elon Musk’s one true love and the next home for humans – sorry Earth! And Pluto just needs love from the scientific community.

Yeah, yeah, Saturn this, Mars that, Pluto th– oh wait, that’s not a planet anymore. Moving on!

But what’s really the best planet in the solar system? Is it close to us? (No). Habitable? (Absolutely not). Rainbow colors? (Yay pride but not with this planet, sorry). Then why is it amazing? (Because I said so, obviously).

Forget everything you know about what makes the “best” planet, because I’m redefining the standards. There’s just one with cozy and serene weather conditions that only takes about a twelfth of your lifetime to get to: Neptune. That’s right, and here is a list of reasons why this blue planet is the hottest tourist destination in our solar system.

  1. It’s a little cold, but not too cold. You see, when you live in Texas for so long, you start to get real tired of the scorching humidity every single day (except for those random ones where snowpocalypse happens). At only a mere chilliness of -373 degrees F, you’ll finally be able to wear those ski clothes your grandma gave you that you never use unless you’re fortunate enough to go to Utah every break (no, I’m definitely not jealous). Sounds nice, right?

  2. It’s not even that windy. Pssh, 1200 mph? That’s nothing. Who cares if it breaks the sound barrier on Earth? You can fly around the planet eternally, as long as you don’t get ripped to shreds. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

  3. There’s an ominous dark spot. Don’t ask me what’s inside. You might be the first to find out!

  4. The atmosphere is perfectly safe. Hydrogen, helium, those are just the first elements on the periodic table, and they’re pretty close to oxygen so they can’t be that bad. Oh what’s that? There’s methane? Oh…

  5. There’s a super cool moon orbiting around. Forget about the other 13, Triton is clearly the most epic. It kind of has an atmosphere like ours, with mostly nitrogen. Who cares if the rest of it is made of methane and carbon monoxide? I certainly don’t.

  6. It’s blue. That’s it.

And there you have it. Six reasons why Neptune is clearly the best planet. I know, I know, i completely changed your perspective and now you can’t believe how you didn’t think Neptune was the best before. It’s alright, we all make mistakes.