Pumpkin spice is ruining our life

Autumn is here, and you know what that means. Pumpkin spice everything. From pumpkin spice lattes to pumpkin spice shampoo, it seems every company is on the spice bandwagon. It’s surprising companies haven’t seen how much pumpkin spice is ridiculed online. Although feeding someone a pumpkin spice Oreo and seeing the look on their face that they want to projectile vomit is well worth the cost, it is extremely unnecessary. It seems even candy has been tainted;  M&M’s now have a pumpkin spice flavor. What’s next? Pumpkin spice toothpaste? Deodorant? Eye drops? Every time a new pumpkin spice product comes out, I lose a little more faith in humanity.


What’s really the worst is how unnecessary the pumpkin spice products are. I mean, do companies think making a pumpkin spice flavor will suddenly boost their sales? Are all the companies’ head flavor-in-chiefs robots with no taste buds whatsoever? It’s not like pumpkins themselves are some wonderful flavorful creation, like apples or Gushers. No. We cut them open and make them into faces at Halloween.


Pumpkin spice doesn’t even really taste like pumpkin. It tastes of cardboard sprinkled with sugar and any powdered flavor Starbucks employees could find in the back room as a weak plan to mask the true taste, well… lack of taste. It seems the flavor is all spice and no pumpkin, but what did we expect? Something that tastes good and like pumpkin? There are only two things pumpkin spice is good for: basic Instagram photos and sabotage to make someone sick to their stomach.


I’m hoping to wake up tomorrow and hear it was all a prank. That no one was really taking pumpkin spice seriously. Sadly, it seems pumpkin spice is not only all too real, but also here to stay. So the future generations of America can enjoy this dark time of olfactory history. Maybe historians will look back at pumpkin spice and understand why this world ended.